It was bound to happen. This is how life rolls on despite whether or not we are ready for it. Mr. Amos Blaise turned one this week. Of course I was a wreck. I’ve been through this three times before. Every time it just kills me. This is one milestone of many, one step closer to becoming an independent little person. And even though that’s of course what I want for him, for all my kids, there’s that mama heart that just wants to freeze time for a bit, to memorize his smells and giggles and how his hair has a little duck curl after he gets out of the bath, how he smiles at me while he nurses, how he lays against my shoulder at night as I rock him to sleep. Oh, its so bittersweet, this growing. Especially knowing that he is my last. For reals. Now he’s a walking, talking little tank of a boy.
I wanted to share some bits and pieces of his first year. It was hard to choose because, you see, I’ve taken hundreds of pictures of his cherubic face. I can’t believe that the teeny-tiny little babe in these early pictures is now toddling all around the house. Sigh.
Amos was a discussion for years, a question I just couldn’t shake. I wonder if he waited for us in heaven, watching to see when we would be ready for him. Life is full with four kids. And rich and beautiful and hard and full of joy. It’s been an amazing year. It’s been exhausting. I get tired just thinking about those first six (!) months when he wouldn’t sleep more than 2-3 hours at a time and I didn’t have enough milk and I felt like I was not a good mama to my big three. But you know what, we all got through it. With a lot of grace from each other. We’re getting along just fine. And they are all amazing siblings and will now know how to change diapers when they become parents. I don’t think I did.
I am acutely aware of how little I deserve four healthy, beautiful children. After a friend’s devastating loss of a fourth baby in the second trimester I could barely look at the little person in my arms without crying out of sheer gratitude and disbelief, along with grief for that sweet mama.
The pictures above were all taken by my good friend and fellow photographer, Katy Leet. I’m forever grateful that she captured these sweet, fleeting moments for us.
Amos and Daddy on one of our many cross-country ski adventures. We like to start ’em young.
Dr. Suess Day!
Great Grandma Mary. Isn’t she a fox?
There were so many other pictures I could have included. There are so many pictures I wish I had but don’t because I am the one behind the camera. You’ve proabably read it by now, but this post just reinforces my desire to BE IN THE PICTURE. The moments I want to capture the most are when he falls asleep in my arms, or his little body curled up between his daddy and me in bed. It is all sweet. It is all tinged with the bitterness of time passing too quickly.
And what is there to do now but embrace all the coming moments? And hold him a little bit longer when he falls asleep against my chest.
How about you? Are your babies growing up too fast as well?